


Tell Our Dad I`m Sorry (The Guilt Fic)

by wishingfluff



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Crying, Cutting, Depression, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, Gay Male Character, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Religious Conflict, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, wow much slowburn jesus im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 13:26:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9237083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishingfluff/pseuds/wishingfluff
Summary: Ever since they kissed 3 years ago as an experiment, Josh Dun has been hopelessly in love with Tyler Joseph. Problem is, Tyler was married. To a girl. And Josh was deep in the closet. Angst and Fluff ensue.





	1. We Don`t Believe What`s On TV

**Author's Note:**

> So, my first ever post to this god-awful (just kidding I love it) website. I hope my writing is somewhat acceptable. I`m not an experienced writer so. Enjoy some shitty writing!

It's just another tour day. Another day of playing the same set of songs. Tyler and Josh don't mind though. Josh especially, he likes having a busy schedule. It keeps his mind off of things, like things he's struggling with. And he can always count on Tyler to make him laugh, and make him feel more relaxed. Josh wakes up, yawning, and looks over at the couple sleeping together next to his bed. 'Good morning to you two.' He whispers, careful not to wake them up. Josh noticed how peaceful Tyler looks while sleeping, so pure and precious. Then, he looks over at the person in his arms, Jenna. He feels odd looking at her, like she isn't supposed to be there. Josh almost shrieks at his own thought, how could he think that? She makes him happy, why wouldn't she be in his arms? Jenna looks just as peaceful as Tyler, he swears he can almost see her smile. Tyler's breathing is soft, but when Josh focusses on it, it becomes very clear. It sounds like the feeling of feathers, soft and gentle. Josh gets up, and makes himself some breakfast. Normally he would wait for Tyler to wake up, but he's really hungry. He takes his anxiety meds, and makes himself a bowl of cereal. It's awfully quiet in the room. Josh grins. He grabs the remote and turns on the TV. By the time he found something that wasn't shit, his cereal was soggy and the milk was starting to turn warm. He watches the show, it's about the history of Japan or something. Josh doesn't really care. He checks the time on his phone. 9:10 AM. He knows he should wake Tyler and Jenna up, but he just feels like being alone for a while. So, he turns off the tv and just starts writing in a notepad that he got from Tyler. Tyler, everything always links back to Tyler. He doesn't like the way he felt about Tyler. It was sinful, especially since Tyler was married, to a girl. Instead, he just wrote songs about it, hoping Tyler wouldn't figure it out easily. The songs were shit anyway. Josh doesn't like them. He goes back to watching TV, even if he doesn't believe the news, it's better than the noises in his head. Better than his sinful feelings. Better than that. Anything but-

Josh looks up, and sees a very tired Tyler. He must have stayed up late last night. Before Josh could say anything, Tyler did. 'Gmorning Josh.' Tyler said, while yawning. 'Hey, good morning. Late night?' Josh asked in the friendliest voice possible. Mornings were always hard for the duo, since they didn't get much sleep. 'Yeah, after you went to bed me and Jenna went out for some drinks, and we kind of got a bit too wasted. We're kind of hung over now.' Tyler admitted, looking down. Tyler groans. 'God, this headache is killing me. Where did you put the Advil, Josh?' Josh was thinking for a minute. 'It's in the upper cupboard. The one on the left. Be careful though, don't take the wrong ones.' Josh warns him. 'Thanks dude, can always count on you.' Tyler says in a rasped voice. 'God, he must be really tired.' Josh thinks. Tyler takes the medicine, and makes his breakfast, the same cereal Josh had, and goes to sit down next to Josh. 'So, Josh. Have you been writing new songs?' Josh nodded slowly, not wanting to let Tyler read them. Of course, Tyler was curious. 'Can you show me them to me?' Josh cursed quietly to the sky, especially since he couldn't remember if he wrote a love confession at 3 AM in this book or not. 'Uh, sure. Give me a second.' Josh says. Josh slowly grabs the small notepad, and flips through it. He sighs in relief when he doesn't see any love confessions. He's still very nervous, letting Tyler read that. He hands the little notepad to Tyler. 'Here you go.' Tyler smiles weakly. 'Thanks.' Josh tries his hardest not to focus on Tyler's face, how it changes expressions easily, but stays the same kind of pretty. Tyler was flipping through the pages and reading them, as carefully as possible. This was torture for Josh, not knowing what his best friend thought of his work. 'Damn, those are some dark texts, are you doing alright?' Tyler asks him. Josh wants to say 'Of course not, I'm a dirty sinner and in love with my best friend who is married and happens to be you, and our friendship would be ruined if you found out.' He doesn't say that. Instead, he just nods. 'Yeah, I'm fine.' He manages to smile a little bit. Tyler looks at Josh, real concern in his eyes. 'Are you sure?' He asks. 'Yeah, I'm ok.' Josh sighs.

'Hey Josh, I'm going out with Jenna, wanna come along?' Tyler asks Josh, hope in his eyes. Josh hasn't been to many outside activities in a while, Tyler has noticed, so he hoped this would cheer him up. 'No, sorry. Have fun though!' Josh says, faking a smile. 'Are you sure dude, we're getting cotton candy.' Tyler asks, a bit desperately. Josh shakes his head. 'I'm not really feeling it today, but don't let me stop you, go ahead with Jenna, I'll be right here.' Josh says, his smile still shaky. Tyler's smile drops. 'O-ok. I'll see you later than!' Tyler says, smiling again, calling Jenna and telling her they can go. Once they were gone, Josh goes to his room, and he softly starts crying. Very softly. He couldn't stop thinking about what happened three years ago.

* * *

  
_Josh and Tyler were sitting on our couch, after a show. Tyler was scrolling trough Instagram, and Josh was watching him scroll through Instagram. 'Hey Josh?' Tyler asks, a bit of nervousness in his voice. 'Yeah?' Josh said, looking up at Tyler. 'We should kiss.' Tyler says, in an almost whispery voice.. Josh could feel his body tense up, his brain trying to progress it, but he couldn't make sense of it. 'U-uhm, wh-why?' Josh says, his body shaking, his mind focusing on the brown haired music boy. 'Just to try it.' Tyler says, as a matter of fact, still in that soft spoken voice, almost as if someone was trying to listen to them in secret. 'O-okay.'_

* * *

 

 

Back to today.  
Ever since their experimental kiss, Josh couldn't stop thinking about Tyler differently. He knew he shouldn't think about his friend like that, his married best friend. Josh feels like talking to someone, but he know he can't talk to anyone about this but himself. He pretends someone is listening. 'I, he's my best friend. I sh-shouldn't l-look at him l-like th-thisssss...' His voice breaks, and tears start rolling down his eyes. He knows one solution. Don't interact with Tyler the same way he did before. That means a lot less hugging, and physical contact. Josh gulped. He didn't like it, but he has to get over his feelings. He can't live like this. Josh looks up at the ceiling, and closes his eyes, and starts to cry again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, part two! Poor Josh.   
> I`m trash at writing these lol

It's just another tour day, another busy day for Josh and Tyler. Now that Tyler and Jenna were out, Josh had time to think again. Think about the last three years, and how they've both been heaven and hell. On one hand, they were getting recognized, and they had so much more fans. It was a dream come true for both Tyler and Josh, and every day they thank god for all of the happiness they have gotten out of their career. However, happiness only brings so much. Josh looks down at his bed, the bed wet from his own tears. How did it get this far? He asked himself that every night. 'It was just an experiment, nothing more. He's married for gods sake, how can I even consider this? I'm horrible. I'm horrible.' Josh says, to himself of course. No one was around to hear him. Everything was fine until that Summer day in 2013. He imagined how it was 4 years ago. He remembers them just casually holding hands, and being comfortable. Sharing beds at night, hugging a lot. Those were things Josh missed the most. Ever since Jenna came along, the sharing beds has stopped. He knew that was only fair, but he still missed it. He missed it a little too much. Josh sniffles again. 'H- Was it m-my fault? D-did I imply I wanted to k-kiss him?' He asks himself, shaky voice and tears in his eyes. He dries his own tears again, just in time, as Jenna and Tyler walk into the room. 'Hi Josh! I got you some cotton candy, here you go.' Tyler said, a warm smile on his face, handing over the cotton candy to Josh. Jenna was eating hers, looking down at it and smiling gently. Josh stares at the cotton candy for a second, then at Tyler, and then back at the cotton candy. He waits a moment before reaching to get the cotton candy. 'Thanks Tyler.' It was blunt, a little bit too blunt, but it hid his still shaking voice, so it was alright. He didn't want Tyler to worry about him. Tyler frowns. Josh notices, and apologizes immediately. 'Oh, sorry, I didn't want to come off as rude, I really appreciate it.' He says, faking a small smile. Tyler smiles a bit. 'No problem, Josh. I'm going to be in the main room, so come over if you want to!' He says, before shutting the door.

Josh doesn't go to the main room.

 

* * *

 

Once they've played another show, they get off stage and walk into their little tour bus again. Tyler smiles at Josh. 'Great show! I really liked how you played at trees.' Josh wasn't really paying attention, so he just murmured a 'mhm'. 'Ok, I'm going to take a shower now, and after that I'll go to bed. Don't stay up too late, I can see that you're tired too, Josh.' Tyler says, genuine concern in his eyes again. Josh hates when he has that. It just reminds him of how much Tyler cared, and how beautiful and kind he was. He didn't want to think about that. He never wanted to think like that. 'Will do.' Josh replies, looking down. Tyler goes to take a shower, Josh can hear the water running. Josh sits up, and goes to get some tea. Strangely, Josh really likes to drink tea after show. He doesn't know why, but he's done it ever since Vessel came out. It calmed him down a lot of times. Josh burns his mouth, the tea was way too hot to drink. 'Ow!' He shrieks. Tyler comes into his room after hearing the scream, concerned for his friend. 'Are you ok?!' Tyler almost shouts. 'Y-yeah I'm fine, just burned my tongue.' He says. Tyler's face relaxes, and he smiles a bit. 'Ok, take care.' Josh stares at his tea, not wanting to drink it anymore. Realizing Tyler was out of the shower, he got into the shower and washed his hair, his body and brushed his teeth. After he got out, he was even more exhausted than before. He groans, not wanting to go to bed, but realizing it's probably for the best. Even though Josh and Tyler share a room, Josh has made his own 'room', the unused room where they kept their 'supplies'. Tyler and Josh (and Jenna) didn't have many though, so the room was largely empty. Josh kept a few pillows in there, as well with some random plushes he had received from fans. It made him feel a bit less alone. He considers sleeping in that room instead of his actual room, but he realizes he should probably not do that, considering the fact that no one really knew the rooms purpose. So, he grabs his stuff and opens the door to his room. Tyler and Jenna were in the same bed, cuddling and holding hands. Josh tried to keep his eyes off of the couple, but that was hard to do. He climbed into his own bed, which was on the other side of the room, and hugged his pillow instead. He has to hold his tears back.

 

* * *

 

a few months passed

 

Josh has kept himself to his own promise about not being too touchy/emotional attached to Tyler anymore. He had written a lot in his little notepad, most of the songs being what Tyler could have written back in the No Phun Intended days. They were sad, heartbreaking and borderline suicidal. Tyler has been noticing a lot of this. Each day was a constant battle, or that's what it felt like at least. It always goes something like this. 'Hey Josh, wanna come along to this party?' 'No I'm good.' 'Hey Josh, wanna go to this super cool concert?' 'No, not today.' Repeat that about 100 times, and you get the idea. Tyler was becoming more and more frustrated with himself, wondering if he had done something wrong. When he tried to confront Josh about it though, Josh denied everything, saying Tyler had done nothing wrong, and that he was just being concerned. Tyler still felt like this really wasn't the case though. Even more concerning to Tyler, was that Josh didn't let Tyler read his songs he wrote any longer. To Josh however, every day was a battle against himself, and his thoughts. 'Go away!! I don't want you here!! You're sin!! Pure sin!! This wasn't supposed to happen!! No, don't let him touch you!! You're dirty!! Dirty!!' That's the constant conversation he was having in his mind. It got to the point where Josh would just break down in tears whenever Tyler wasn't there, just so he could let his true feelings out. The kiss had ruined him. It has ruined not only him, but his friendship. Tyler didn't really know what was going on. He definitely didn't want to think about it, either. He just wanted Josh to know he was here for him, whatever was going on. So, he got a pen, and wrote down some words. _"Dear Josh, I know you've been struggling these past few months. I don't know what you're struggling with, but I want to let you know that I'm here, and I deeply care about you. - Tyler_ " Tyler placed the piece of paper on Josh's pillow, and walked out of the room.


	3. Don`t Leave Me Alone

Josh found the piece of paper on his pillow. He opened it, gently, trying not to just rip through it. He read the note. Halfway through, he started tearing up. He clutched to the paper, his body shaking and his heart breaking. He couldn't even start to think of all of this. So, he just opened his now old notepad, and started writing in it again. It wasn't anything good. "And now I'm laying down here, ripped to pieces, but you can't even notice what I'm seeing. And all my tears are falling I am crying to the empty sky above screaming pleading that you won't find out" Josh drops his pen. He can't write any more. Instead, he just looks at his own hands, and tries counting to ten. 'One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, ni-' he stops. He stops to think about stuff now. Just to think. He stops crying for just one second. He gulps. He knows what he should do. He should seek help. His thoughts have been too dark to handle alone. He wants to share them with someone. But obviously, he can't. Not with his psychologist, not with his family, and certainly not with Tyler. Tyler was the last person that needed to know any of this. Josh just sighed, and buried his head in his pillow. He wanted to stop thinking for a while. Then, his mind said something he never even considered thinking about. It whispered 'Go, hurt yourself for feeling this way. Go to the bathroom, get a small knife. Do it. He won't find out.' Unable to stop these thoughts, he just nodded, to himself. He slowly got up, making sure Tyler wasn't around to stop him, and walked to the kitchen, grabbing a very small knife. It was also very sharp. He sighed, holding it gently, his breath shaking. He got to the bathroom, and locked the door. He prayed. Josh didn't even know why he prayed. God must hate him by now. His breath so soft he can barely hear it himself, he brings the shiny sharp knife to his arm. He holds his breath now. He makes one swift motion, and his arm is bleeding. It stings, but Josh deserves it. 'I deserve it, I deserve all this pain. I'm dirty. I'm dirty. God hates me. God hates me.' He brings the knife to his arm again.

* * *

 

 

Josh wakes up even more moody than usual. He doesn't even feel like looking at Tyler, instead he goes straight to the bathroom, where he looks at his arm, carefully. He notices the cuts being smaller than he initially thought, but they were still there. He just sighed. He went back to his room, to try to get some more sleep, but he already knew that wasn't going to happen. He just waited for Tyler to wake up. He didn't even know why. Just when he was falling asleep again, he heard Tyler's voice. 'Good morning, love.' He whispered. Josh almost screamed. Jenna whispered something incoherent back. The two kissed, hugged and then they both got up. Tyler noticed Josh 'sleeping' and left him alone to sleep. Josh regretted staying in that room. He cried once again, and got out of bed. 'Hi Josh. Good morning.' Tyler said, pouring milk into a bowl. 'Hi.' Josh replied, not even wanting to eat. He was just silent. Tyler had had enough. 'Josh, you need to eat. This isn't healthy. Should I make you some breakfast?' Tyler said, something strong in his voice. Josh shook his head, still refusing to talk. Jenna walked in, looking as good as ever. Her dress was beautiful, even making Josh look up for one second. 'You look amazing, honey.' Tyler said, stunned by his wife. 'Thanks Tyler!' Jenna said, smiling. Josh read the news. It wasn't anything new, yes a few new people died but when did that not happen. After Tyler finished his breakfast, he went out for a walk, or that's what Josh thought at least. In fact, Tyler just quietly hid. He wanted to see Josh. Josh got out his notepad, and started writing something he hadn't written before. A love letter. It was filled with pain, to the point where he started crying and sobbing and screaming 'GOD PLEASE FORGIVE ME!' and Tyler looked hurt, betrayed but mostly worried, that this was what his best friend was going through, and that Josh hasn't told him about any of this. Once Josh stopped writing, he just laid down and sighed. Tyler went for a walk, for real this time. He didn't know what to do, or how to confront Josh about any of this. What was bothering his best friend so much he couldn't eat? Why was he this distant? Did he do something?

 

Once Tyler got home, he asked Josh to talk with him, in the bathroom. It was the most private place they had (that Tyler knew of at least) for now. 'Hey Josh?' 'Yes?' Josh looked up at Tyler. 'Can we talk? In the bathroom? Right now?' Josh was scared, but 'Yes, of course.' He didn't have a choice. Once in the bathroom, Tyler started to talk. 'Hey, I've been noticing you've been acting,,, off lately, these past few months. You've not been eating that much, at shows you seem less energetic, and you seem very tired. Not only that, but you've not been around me that much at all, it seems like you're avoiding me. Did I do something wrong? Please, please tell me. I've been so so so worried.' Josh just stared at Tyler for a few seconds, before 'oh geez-' Tyler said, when he saw Josh starting to cry, loudly, like he had when he had thought he was alone. 'I'm I-I'm so so so s-so s-sorry' Tyler was trying to ask what he was apologizing for, but he couldn't bring himself to ask anything right now. 'I'm a d-dirty s-sinner, god do-doesn't love m-me, how c-can I even t-think of y-you like th-that.' Tyler realizes what's been going on for these past month- no years. Josh had seen him like Tyler saw Jenna. As more than a friend. Josh started praying, he was on the ground, begging for forgiveness. 'PLEASE FORGIVE ME PLEASE FORGIVE ME PLEASE FORGIVE ME PLEASE FORGIVE ME' Josh didn't realize how loud he was screaming and crying, because Jenna walked in. From her point of view, she saw Josh on the floor, begging for forgiveness and Tyler sitting there, frozen. Josh was still shaking, crying, begging, when Tyler pulled Josh close. A warm hug. Tyler whispered in Josh's ear; 'I'm sorry, Josh.' He let Josh go, gently, and walked out of the room. Before he could even realize what was happening, Jenna stormed into the room, and hugged Josh, even harder than Tyler had. 'Don't worry, it's ok. It's ok, we are not mad.' And before he knows it, he's alone again. His brain didn't even have to progress what was going on. He already knew. He fucked up. He got up, gently grabbed all of the stuff out of his room, and ran away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Josh confessed. Oh dear. Poor boy D:


	4. You Just Feel Twice As Far

Josh ran away, from the tour, from Jenna, from Tyler, and from his feelings. He was mortified. Why did he do that? He had packed his bags, all his clothes and other belongings were messily all over the place. Josh was still running, but he knew he couldn`t just run forever. He had to go somewhere. He took out his phone, which he thankfully remembered to pack. Josh tapped the internet app, and looked up `plane tickets Ohio`. Immediately, results popped up on the screen. It all looked angry to Josh. He pressed the first link. They were cheap. He sighs. `This will be my trip home. Just my trip.` He enters his information, and before he knew it, he was on a plane, to Ohio. He couldn`t get his drums in time, but he didn`t care anymore. He opened the notepad he had written all these sinful things in, and cried. There was an old lady sitting next to him. She had grayish hair, and round glasses. She was wearing a beautiful dress. `Hello dear, is something bothering you?` the lady asks. Her voice was soft, and sickening sweet. Josh noticed the concern on her face, so he answered. `Oh, I`m fine miss, just read a really sad book.` he lied to the concerned lady. `Are you sure? Oh, wait. I have tissues in my bag, hold on dear.` the woman pulled out a tissue from her bag, and handed it over to Josh. `Here you go dear.` her smile was weak, but sincere. Josh managed to smile trough his pain. `Thank you, ma’am.  My name is Josh, what is yours?` he asked, mostly because he wanted to keep his mind off of what had just happened. `My name is Madeline, dear. It`s nice to meet you, Josh.` she said, happiness beaming off her face. The two chatted for a while, and by the time the plane landed, they had exchanged numbers, just because. Josh got off the plane. He checked his phone. 10 missed calls. 400 messages. He didn`t bother checking them. Instead, he walked off. He got into the nearest taxi. The taxi cab driver asked for a place. `Where you wanna go son?` he had a thick Texan accent. Josh had to think for a moment. `A forest far away, but still in Ohio, please.` `You have enough money for that, son??` The driver looked Josh straight into the eyes. Josh just nodded.

After an hour of mindless driving, the driver stopped at a nice looking forest. `This ok, son?` Josh nodded, not wanting to use his disgusting voice again. `Ok, that will be $40, sonny.` Josh handed him over the money, tipping him an extra $10. `Thanks son, take care.` The taxi cab pulled off, going to god knows where. Josh didn`t hesitate any longer. He walked into the forest. After about 30 minutes of walking, he stopped. It was getting dark outside. He wasn`t scared anymore. Josh didn`t have much food, but who cares. `I`m a dirty sinner, do I deserve to eat? I don`t think I do. I have ruined my friendship. I have ruined myself.` Josh dropped to the ground, and he started crying-no, sobbing, and praying. `God, forgive me for my sins, forgive me for my sins, forgive me for my sins.` This went on for about two hours, until Josh fell asleep, still on the ground.

Josh woke up. He was still in the forest, alone. He checked his phone. 965 messages. 128 missed calls. He had remembered what he also packed. His razors. Breathing heavily, Josh took out the blades. He prayed as he ruined his own skin. He looked at his knee. `TYLER`. In his (ex) best-friends handwriting. He looked up, tears in his eyes, and started angrily cutting away at the tattoo, he didn`t deserve the tattoo. Not the dirty sinner. Not him. Tyler was pure. Josh was dirty. Josh closed his eyes, he was bleeding everywhere. He didn`t even bother trying to clean up, or make sure the wounds didn`t get infected, as he was still laying down in the forest. He just closed his eyes, feeling even dirtier than before. He wanted to fall asleep again. And again. And again. He didn`t want to open his eyes ever again.

* * *

 

 

It has been two days since Josh left. Not even a note was left behind. Tyler was broken. Deeply broken. Jenna was still there, but he didn`t feel complete without Josh. Everyone on social media knew about Josh, as there was a police investigation happening. It seemed as if the whole clique was crying with him. Tyler remembered finding out.

* * *

 

_It was 10:48 PM. Tyler was still processing what Josh had said. `M-my best friend, in love with me?? That`s wrong. But I need to forgive him. He can`t help it. I still love him. He`s my best friend after all.` He said to Jenna. Jenna nodded. `Sweetheart, you should really talk to Josh. He seemed heartbroken, but he also said he wasn`t worth being called a human being. You should really talk to him.` Jenna repeated. Tyler nods his head in agreement. He knocks on Josh`s door. `Josh? Can I come in? I just want to talk. I`m not mad, I p-promise.` No response. Tyler speaks up again. `Josh? Are you ok?` Again, no response. Tyler was getting worried now. `Josh! Answer me dude!` No response. Just a sickening silence. `That`s it. I`m coming in.` Tyler opened the door, and his stomach twisted. A small pool of blood, but no Josh. `Josh?! JOSH?!` Tyler was screaming now. Jenna flew into the room. She gasped. They searched the whole tour bus, but didn`t find Josh anywhere. Immediately they called the whole crew. `H-have any of you seen Josh?!` Tyler asked, in a soft and concerned voice. The answer was the same. `No, why?` Tyler`s heard stopped, and his eyes started to water. Tyler buried his head into Jenna`s chest. Jenna softly put her arms around her husband. The crew looked horrified now. After Tyler explained the story, they were shocked. Jenna tried to calm them all down. `M-maybe he just went out for a walk, alone. If he isn`t back by tomorrow, then something might be going on. But, we need to rest for now.` Everyone agreed, but when Tyler was laying in his bed, he (unsurprisingly) couldn`t sleep. Instead, he slipped out of bed, and started writing. Whenever something was troubling Tyler, he wrote. He couldn`t write for some reason. It was 8:00 AM, and Josh still wasn`t back. Jenna had called the police_.

* * *

 

Now, Tyler had several cuts on his chest again. Blurryface was back, and he was stronger than ever. Tyler regrets. He was worried sick. He couldn`t eat, he couldn`t sleep, he couldn`t even cry. He was too broken. He wondered if he was even human. He started to think that he wasn`t actually a human, but a soulless husk of one. That`s what he felt like, anyway. But, going 48 hours without sleep isn`t easy, and eventually, Tyler did fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel so bad for Josh. I just wanna hug him and tell him he`s the sunshine of my life.


	5. Tell Our Dad I`m Sorry

Josh opened his eyes anyway, he had to. He was hungry, tired, and his cuts were still bleeding. Especially his knee. It was open, you could barely see the tattoo that was once there any longer. Josh groaned. He slowly got up, and grabbed his bag. He got his phone out of the leather brown bag. 10384 messages. 1863 missed phone calls. `It just keeps adding up, doesn`t it.` he mumbles. He doesn`t read any of the texts, instead, he tapped on Tyler`s name. `Dear Tyler, tell our dad I`m sorry.` he typed, his eyes watering once again. He hit the send button. It was done. He was done. He grabbed his anxiety medicine. Valium. He took the cap of the medicine, and slowly poured 20 pills out of the bottle. Josh prayed one last time, before taking them all. Josh closed his eyes gently. He soon started to shake, and vomit. Utter pain. Josh was in agony. Pure, vomit-inducing pain. That was the last thing Josh remembered, before passing out.

Tyler heard his phone buzz. At first, he didn`t want to look up, but he knew he had to, it might be Jenna asking him what he wants for dinner or something. Tyler`s eyes widened when he saw it wasn`t Jenna, but Josh. He read the message out loud. `D-dear Tyler, tell o-our d-dad I`m s-sorry.` He realized what that meant. Tyler read the line over and over. He messaged Jenna. `Please come to the room. Josh.` Jenna came running into the room. `Tyler?! TYLER?!` Jenna was yelling at Tyler now, Tyler was just in shock. He had wide eyes, and tears in them. He was quiet, but lifted his phone, with the message of Josh on it. `OH MY GOD, SOMEONE FIND HIM PLEASE!` Jenna was screaming even louder, and held Tyler, as Tyler was just sobbing loudly into Jenna`s arms. Jenna was mortified. But, they called the police, and before they knew it, they were with the police, in an airplane, to Ohio. That`s where the message was send anyways.

 They were pretty close to Ohio anyway, just a few states away. The flight took about 30 minutes total. Once they arrived, Tyler literally jumped out of the airplane, and saw the huge forest. `H-he must be somewhere in there!` He sprinted into the forest, screaming Josh`s name over and over again. `JOSH! JOSHUA! JOSH DUN! JOSHUA WILLIAM DUN!!!` the screams were made of pure pain, despair, sadness. Tyler could feel his eye watering. `JOSH!` Tyler was getting more and more desperate. `JOSH! PLEASE! WHERE ARE YOU?!` Tyler was now full on sobbing. This went on for about half an hour. Tyler was running, screaming, crying and having panic attacks. The police could barely keep up with him. `JOSH!!` he yelled. `JOSH DUN!` Just when Tyler thought all hope had been lost, he heard a voice. `T-tyler?` No one but Tyler noticed. `JOSH?! JOSH IS THAT YOU?!` `T-tyler…` While still running to the noise, Tyler shouted `JOSH! JOSH PLEASE STAY ALIVE! PLEASE! I`M ALMOST THERE!` Tyler saw blood everywhere. He must be close. That`s when he heard Josh whisper again. `T-tyler.. please..` Tyler looked behind him. Josh. Covered in blood and puke. Tyler didn`t even care that he was covered in puke, he kneeled on the floor, and hugged Josh. Hard. Josh didn`t even respond, he was still in shock from the overdose. `I-I`m so sorry Josh. I`m so so so so so so so sorry. I shouldn`t have responded like that ever. Please, stay awake, I promise I am not mad at you, Josh. P-please, stay alive. Please.` And then, just like that, Josh`s vision went black, as he saw an army of police men and doctors running at him.

* * *

 

Josh woke up in the hospital. Beeping machines, the smell of alcohol, and pain. He had survived, but he didn`t know why. That`s when his vision became a little less blurry, and he saw Tyler sitting in front of him.  `T-tyler? Is that you?` he manages to say in a very soft voice, and Tyler melts because of it. `Josh.` Tyler hugged his friend, and started sobbing into him. `I am so so so sorry. I should have never ever ever reacted that way. I-I hate myself for it. I-I can b-barely think. I k-know you probably hate me as well. I h-hope you c-can at least forgive me W-we don`t have to be friends, I just h-hope-` Tyler was shaking. Josh cuts him off. `Of course I forgive you. I love you, Tyler.`

It has been a week since they had found Josh, and his scars were healing. Both Josh and Tyler`s families were coming to visit today. Tyler had stayed in the hospital with Josh, making sure he was doing okay and stuff. He looked at Josh. His lips were still chapped. He got out some lip balm. `Hey Josh, here you go.` Tyler handed the lip balm over to Josh. Josh giggled, before applying it to his lips. He seemed to be cheering up. Everything was the same again. Or was it? Josh handed over the book he had written all that sinful stuff in to his friend. `H-here. You deserve to know the full story.` Tyler grabbed the notepad, surprised, but strangely happy. `I`ll read it after our families visit, if you don`t mind.`

20 minutes later, both families were in their room. Josh`s family wanted to see Josh alone, which they all accepted, so they walked out of the room. Once they were done talking about, well everything, they called Tyler and his family in again. They all just drank some water (and redbull) and talked about all the good times, just to make them both forget about what had just happened. After Tyler`s family left, Josh`s family grabbed their stuff as well. Every family member hugged Josh tightly, saying stuff like `Ok, stay safe, we love you.` and that kind of stuff. Just when Josh`s parents left, Jenna walked in. `Hey, just checking up on you two. How are you both?` Tyler smiled, and so did Josh. `Pretty good actually! Abby was being even more nice than usual.` Josh smirked. Tyler just said `Yeah, she`s really cool. But, I enjoyed seeing my parents again. I`m glad we`re alone now though. It was getting a bit much.` Josh nodded in agreement. `Right. Tyler, Josh, I have to go now. Take care!`

Tyler got the little notepad out of his bag. He opened it. There were a bunch of angry doodles, but then he saw some text.

_Dear whoever is reading this. I can`t stop thinking about the kiss 3 years ago with him. It felt right for once in my life. It didn`t feel like I was bad, or good, or anything really. It just felt nice. I know he didn`t like it, or didn`t care. He just pulled away saying `Ok, thanks.` and that`s it. We never even spoke about it again. I wish we had. Now I`m stuck here with all these complicated feelings._

Tyler gulped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HHH hh HH I feel the slowburn and I feel bad for myself bc its 1 AM  
> I love yall


	6. I Will Make You Believe You Are Lovely

It had been so long, Tyler had completely forgotten about the kiss. He wouldn`t have had admitted it at the time, but he did actually like the kiss. Sure, it wasn`t perfect or anything, but he had liked feeling closer to his best friend than usual. It felt close, like a hug, but better. They had cuddled before that event, and Tyler loved it. He always had. He loved the feeling of Josh`s arms around him, his breathing very clear and it was almost like honey, that`s how sweet it was.

Tyler snapped out of it. Josh was calling him. `Tyler? Are you ok?` Tyler quickly walked up to Josh. `Yeah, I`m fine, sorry.` `Are you sure? You kind of seem out of it.` Tyler nodded. `Ok, but please take care of yourself.` Tyler was playing with the lip balm. He snapped it open, then snapped it closed again. The sound was oddly satisfying. Tyler looked at Josh, who was also focused on the lip balm now. He was also biting his lips. Tyler blushed, he had just remembered that he had kissed those lips. He didn`t even know why he wanted to at the time. And certainly not why he wanted to now. `Tyler??` Tyler had realized he had been staring at Josh this whole time. He blushed `Oh, oh sorry, I didn`t mean to.` Josh looked at him a bit weirdly again, but quickly looked away.

Tyler was lying down in his bed, and he realized something again. After the kiss, he had wanted to kiss Josh again. He had wanted to cuddle with him more, and even do some sexual stuff with Josh. He didn`t even realize it as attraction at the time, because he found Jenna shortly after, but now Tyler remembered it very clearly. He blushed. `I can`t believe it.` But now, he had to. Because every time he saw Josh, he had butterflies in his stomach, and hearts in his eyes, but he was married. To Jenna. `Oh my gosh.` He knew he was never going to recover from this crush. He had to talk to Jenna about it, even if it meant awkwardness and a divorce. He loved Jenna. She deserved to know. Josh deserved to know.

The next morning, Tyler walked over to Josh. `Hey Joshie, how are you doing today?~` Tyler blushed as he noticed the change in tone. His voice sounded a bit higher and more affectionate than usual. `I`m doing great actually. They just shipped my drums over to my parent`s place! Isn`t that cool?` Tyler nodded excitedly. `Hey, your lips are still chapped. C-can I fix them?` Josh`s whole face went red. `What do you mean?` Big eyes, brown mocha eyes. How can someone not love Josh Dun? `W-well, I just-` he leaned forwards, and closed his eyes. Their lips touched. For one second Tyler panicked, because Josh didn`t kiss back, but right as he was about to pull out and apologize, he kissed back. Thank god he did. They kissed longer than last time.

* * *

 

Shortly after that, Josh got out of the hospital. Everyone was glad to see he was doing better. Tyler was kind of filled with guilt. He hasn`t told Jenna about the kiss yet. He knows he should, but he`s all mixed up about it. All shaken. Josh was with his parents back at their old home. Tyler sighed, as he knocked on the door. `Tyler? Is that you?` Josh opened the door. `Hey! What`s up?` Tyler gently smiled at the slightly older boy. `Can I stay here for a while? I`ve been kind of lonely, since Jenna is gone on holiday and stuff.` Tyler looked at the ground, slightly blushing. `Of course! We only have one bed though, I hope you don`t mind.` Tyler giggled and shook his head. `I`ll survive.`  He stepped into Josh`s house, and put all his stuff in Josh`s room. `Thanks for letting me stay.` `No problem! I love having you around. You should know that by now.` Josh stuck his tongue out. Josh`s parents were out for the weekend, they had to go visit some family friend Josh didn`t know that well, so he had stayed home. `I`m going to order us some taco bell if you`d like.` Sure. I`m always in the mood for taco`s.` So, Tyler went out and ordered some taco`s for them both. Once he got back, Josh had fallen asleep on the couch. `Josh, Joshie, Jishwaaa~ Wake up~` Josh slowly opened his eyes, before smiling. `You got the taco`s?` `Duh.` They both laughed and turned on some music, before eating their taco`s. It was silent. But it was a good silent. It wasn`t uncomfortable at all. `Hey, Joshie?` `Yeah?` `I`m sorry for rejecting you the other night. Truth is, I think I love you and-` Before he even knew it, they were kissing again. It just seemed to get better every time. As they pulled apart, Tyler finished his story. `I do want to be your boyfriend, at least I think I do. But, Jenna doesn`t know any of this. I can`t just cheat on her like this. She deserves to know.`  Josh nodded in agreement. `Yeah. Uh, let`s facetime her. I want to get it over with.` `Now?` `Now.`

The phone rang. And rang. After what seemed like an eternity, Jenna picked up the call. `Hey Tyler! Oh, hey Josh! What`s up?` And that was when Tyler kind of broke down and just spat everything else. Jenna had a neutral face the whole time. `Tyler, I love you. But, I think we shouldn`t be married if you want to be with Josh. I think I should be your best friend, and Josh should be your boyfriend. I`m not mad at you, because you two are adorable together, but we should get divorced asap.` Tyler gulped, but nodded in agreement. `Ok, bye Tyler, bye Josh! I love you both!`

After the facetime video, they had both been extra cheesy. Cuddling while watching a TV show was nothing new, but now Tyler would call Josh beautiful and gorgeous and cute, and kiss all his scars. Tyler checked up on every scar Josh has given himself. They all seemed to be healing, except for the one in his knee. It wasn`t healing as well, as Josh had to get surgery on it. He had cut the flesh to the bone, and had almost carved out the tattoo with it. When Tyler looked at Josh`s knee and back up, he was surprised to see Josh crying. `M sorry. Imyfault.` he mumbled through his tears. And all of the sudden, Josh was shaking in Tyler`s arms again. Tyler gently picked Josh up, carrying him to his bed, where he lays Josh down.  He gently held Josh against him, being sure not to hurt him in the process. And, he sang. _`Won`t you stay alive, I`ll take you on a ride, I will make you believe you are lovely.`_ or, _`I used to say I want to die before I`m old, but because of you I might think twice.`_ And just like that, Josh stopped shaking, and gently fell asleep in Tyler`s arms. Tyler sang for Josh the whole night. Sweet tunes, tunes of love. As Tyler fell asleep, he kissed Josh`s neck softly. `I love you, Joshie.`

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT MOM I DID IT   
> seriously though, thank you, I couldn`t have done it without you  
> This took me a while to write.


	7. Epilogue/ Higher Than I`ve Ever Been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im tearing up see yall later im gay

_**It has been five years since Tyler Dun and Josh Dun got married. The clique has been accepting, as expected. Jenna and Tyler were still great best friends, and they were beyond excited to announce that she would be the surrogate mother. They were higher than they`ve ever been.** _


End file.
